Since our journey with getting pregnant with Benjamin was longer and more difficult than most and I was (at the time) nursing him, we figured we didn't need to worry about having another baby for a while. Well...
SURPRISE!!!
Yup, we are expecting again, due sometime the first week of July next year. Believe me, we were surprised probably more than you are. Seriously.
I had been a little nauseated here and there for about a week now and although I was 3 weeks "late," I didn't think anything of it since I'm typically all over the place anyway. Stephen and I joked about being pregnant again for a while, but that's all they were-jokes. We didn't actually believe we could be.
After a while longer we started getting a little more concerned and decided to test, just to put ourselves at ease. When the tests (yes, I took a couple) came up strong positives, I burst into tears- and not happy ones, mind you. I shoved the evidence at Stephen and said, in the gloomiest voice you've ever heard an expectant mother use, "We're pregnant." Then I cried some more. I was so sad- sad that I didn't have more time not sick and fatigued to enjoy my son's first year and stages, sad that time with Stephen would become even more scarce, and sad that I felt sad about this new baby's arrival. I was also so very afraid- afraid of the judgements and harsh comments that would surely come, afraid of how I would be about to handle two little ones under the age of two, afraid that I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be, afraid that we simply could not afford another baby, and afraid that I'd never be happy about this baby. This was quite a different response than the one we had when we were expecting Benjamin and it terrified me.
Stephen and I were both in denial for a while (sometimes I still feel like I am), but after another strong positive test and a "congratulations!" from the nurse, it began to sink in; we were seriously having another baby, and so soon after Benjamin! They will be about 15 months apart in age, which is 9 months closer than we originally wanted. Overwhelmed is the only word that can even begin to describe how I felt.
One night, in desperate need of some counsel and perspective, Stephen and I had his father, Claron, over. After talking to him and telling him all of our honest feelings and receiving a blessing each, Stephen and I began to see the tiniest rays of hope. We even began to feel a little happier about our news.
Over the next week, we were blessed with many little tender mercies. They consisted mostly of visits from family with kind and loving words of support and encouragement. They may never truly know the depth of how their kindness and love and support sustained me; I was more than grateful. Whenever Stephen and I told someone our news and they reacted with excitement and happiness, I felt like I was getting closer to feeling those things myself-another tender mercy.
A powerful lesson I've learned so far is about judging others. We all do it. I certainly do it! As I have hoped and prayed for the kindness of others and the deterring of ridicule and harsh criticism, I've come to realize that many of us, if not all of us, at some point or another has this simple plea for kindness in their hearts. I think that everyone at some point has a deep desire for others to just understand and love. And what a powerful thing it was for me to realize that a little bit of love and compassion can truly heal a frightened, sorrowful, confused heart, and how assumptions, speaking ill words, and harsh judgement can destroy the very heart in need of love and compassion.
We are all on this journey called life, with twists and turns and unexpected (and sometimes unwanted) surprises and bumps in the road (or belly, in my case). If we (myself included) could all just remember that everyone has their own set of trials and challenges, and that kindness and love instead of judgement could have the power to lift those people out of darkness, maybe, just maybe, this journey could be a more happy one.
I do not understand why God has this unexpected (and terrifying!) blessing in store for us, and it may be a while until I do, but I do know that I am already learning SO MUCH about what it means to truly become Christlike, to sacrifice my own will to accept God's, and about the choice of happiness.
