My Little Love

While dating and engaged, Stephen and I had talked about how we wanted to wait at least a year, likely two, before we discussed having children. We wanted that time to get to know one another better, adjust to married life, and create some memories of just us. Yea...it took all but three months into our marriage before all the pregnant ladies and little babies all around Rexburg, ID made me baby hungry.

But still, we thought it best to wait a while longer. When we did decide the time was right to add to our family, I didn't quite anticipate how difficult that journey would be.

Month by month passed us by with false alarms, negative pregnancy tests, and broken hearts. Fear of infertility increased at a dramatic pace and it consumed me to the point where I had little or no peace in my life. Everyone around me seemed to get pregnant within a couple of months of trying or without even trying at all! I let the seed of bitterness find its way into my heart. Stephen and I had been promised children, but I wasn't seeing the reality of that promise as soon as I wanted and I began to doubt even God's ability to bless me when I was living my life like I was supposed to. I was miserable.

Coming up on a year of trying, a remarkable thing happened. Completely at my worst and having hit "rock bottom" months ago, I was broken and knew I needed help. I came across an article in the Ensign one Sunday while fasting for comfort. (https://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/06/learning-to-cope-with-infertility) It was the first time I had humbled myself enough to do so in the past year. The article talked about women in the Bible who had experienced infertility at some point in their lives and how they let the experience strengthen their faith. I empathized with Sarah, Rebekah, Hannah, and Elizabeth and was deeply touched by their stories. Particularly inspired by Hannah, I jumped into the Bible (the books of Samuel) to learn more about her. This is where a miracle took place for me.

I appreciated how the sorrows of Hannah were acknowledged so honestly. Too often I think we try to hide our sorrows in fear that others wont see us as a strong individual, or to give off the persona that we have it all together when in reality we don't. Elder Scott once said, "Heavenly Father does not want us to minimize our reactions to life. He asks that we accept what He gives us and then take to Him our feelings and the truth about our lives whatever they may be. If we can go to Him with absolute openness and say 'This is what is happening to me right now and this is what I feel,' then He can use that openness as a conduit to teach us how heal, how to repent, and forgive, and how to love." ("To Aquire Spiritual Guidance"-Ensign November 2006). This was a powerful realization for me and once I was able to go to my Heavenly Father in open honesty and sincere prayer, my heart was softened and I understood the Atonement in a deeper, more meaningful way.

I also learned from Hannah's story that I was overlooking some very significant blessings in my life because of one blessing I did not yet have. I had an incredible man by my side, I had the gospel in my life, and I had the chance to teach and influence children through my work! This was some chastisement I really needed and welcomed.

I learned so many things through these faithful sisters that I can't write them (or in this case type them) all down, but my attitude and outlook were changed dramatically for the better and I felt true peace for the first time in a year. I had come to really know that God was in control and knew what He was doing. We were pregnant two weeks later.

How we found out:

I was once again suspecting that I might be pregnant but I refused to take another test for several reasons: One, I was so sick of peeing on those plastic sticks (yes, I had taken many, many tests over the past year). Two, I swore I wouldn't pull out my stash (yes, I hid the remaining tests) until I was bent over the toilet hacking my guts up for at least a week. So I didn't.

A UTI finally sent me the doctor's way. Knowing that they would do a routine pregnancy test, I told them to not tell us the results (I didn't want to break down at the doctor's office again), to write me the prescription and just send us on our way. Well, that is exactly what they did. Stephen and I no sooner than walked out the door then I burst into tears, exclaiming that if I were pregnant, the nurse would have been smiling or SOMETHING. Stephen tried to reassure me with, "We don't know that. We did, after all, tell them to not tell us the results." I still wasn't hopeful. I climbed into our car, a complete wreck, and Stephen decided to go back into the office to get the results after all. While he was gone, I sat in the car praying with all the strength that I had that I would be able to accept the results, whatever they might be. Seconds later, Stephen came running full speed out the door with an ear-to-ear grin. WE WERE FINALLY PREGNANT!!! Of course I started crying all over again :) We said a prayer of gratitude before leaving the parkinglot and then headed to Walmart...to look at baby clothes :) It's a running joke now in my family that Stephen found out we were expecting before I did.

When we got home, I pulled out my stash of tests and happily peed on every one of those sticks, anxious to see that silly pink plus sign for myself.

I understand that for some, trying to conceive is an even more difficult journey and my heart aches for and with them. I hope and pray that those friends and family member of mine who are struggling can one day be comforted with God's peace.

In the end, I was so grateful we didn't get pregnant right away. There were valuable lessons learned in that year of trying that would have been lost. Also, Stephen and I had time to weather through some difficult trials our early years of marriage presented that a pregnancy/baby could have further complicated. It was a blessing in disguise.